Rock bottom....

Well I guess I finally went off the deep end... only for a short few moments but none the less... rock bottom was hit... a few days ago I tried to end my life via medication overdose... thankfully I realized what a big mistake I had made and threw them back up.... these following few days have been a blur... I dont really know how to feel... or even feel much at all... it's been pretty numbing... I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours each day sense which I'm sure isnt helping anything... I think about the only emotion I can pinpoint now is feeling guilty.... I feel terrible for what I did... I know I scared my sister really bad... I opened up and spoke with 2 friends about what happened... I hope they don't feel they are at fault or blame themselves or anything.... it's not their fault... it's just the endless battle in my head going on... the 2 armies met head on and my army about lost.... I have been just taking things minute by minute hour by hour... just gotta keep on going I guess.... I try to hide my problems from friends... I have so many... it just feels like I'm being a burden on their fun and joyful lives... third wheeling and fifth wheeling and trying not to act like I want to be anywhere else... half the time I just question why they want to even hang around me... the awkward, ugly, stupid, fat girl... the one who can't make friends, does stupid stuff, and doesn't do anything fun..... I try not to let it show around any of them because who wants to be around the weird depressed and anxiety ridden person....  the things we go for our friends I guess....
-You never know what someone hides behind a smile...

And it goes...

Been busy with school.... sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't..... some days it keeps me distracted... things to think about instead of the battle inside my head.... ot hgv er days it's the problem.... too much on my plate at once... one mistake can feel like the end of the world... one stupid little thing can keep me awake for hours and hours... sometimes even all night long.... then theres being alone... I dont make friends easily... and theres even fewer that I actually know... ask me for a phone number of a classmate... I have 4.... including my sister... I listen and pay attention to what others say... I try to get to know people, but nobody takes the effort to even try to know me.... I can be sitting in a room with 20 people but still be alone.... or evening's like this one... I went to work then to class.... came home to an empty appartment again.... it's not my sisters fault shes busy or any of my few friends faults but that doesn't make being alone all the time suck any less... in a world so populated with people how is it possible to be this lonely.....