You find out who your friends are...

Our house burned down, granted I live in my apartment at college, but that still doesnt mean it isnt a big blow. My mom and step dad and brother lost everything, my sister and brother and I lost a lot as well.... you dont realize what home means until it's gone... for example the flags nick flew over Kuwait for us kids gone, my 3 dead horses and dogs collars.. gone.... all of my baby pictures are gone, graduation cards, all of my elementary school projects, my clarinet, my diploma and cap and gown, all my childhood books and bible, prom dresses and many souvenir shirts, all the mothers and fathers day gifts and family treasures, class rings and wedding rings, and all the small things you take for granted gone in a flash... on top of everything else that has happened... and getting the news your cousin went from having almost a year to live to a few days if hes lucky.... 3 of our 5 dogs are still missing, nick got them out of the house at one point, but we are unsure if they ran back inside or not. We have spent many hours driving around looking for these past few days and there has been no sightings of them from anyone... as days pass it is looking more and more likely that they died in the fire. I just wish things could be semi normal... go out and eat with friends or do something that seems normal... not take a dog everywhere with me, drive around buying food because I cant just stop home and grab a snack or make a meal.... there is a fundraiser coming up and it's really disappointing to hear none of my "friends" will be coming... only one really has a very valad excuse in my eyes because they are having knee surgery that afternoon and they said depending on how they feel they may be able to make it even.... people take things for granted so much... I can no longer go home to my family's house... all the things that held important memories are gone, I cant drive around within 10 miles of home without starting out into fields looking for dogs hoping that they didnt die a terrifying painful death in that fire.... I cant look at our house or I guess its what's left of our house.... a bunch of burned wood and metal... I cant look at it without thinking about how easily nick could have been taking a nap or something upstairs and having ended up dead...... I guess that's why they call it a tragedy....

Rock bottom....

Well I guess I finally went off the deep end... only for a short few moments but none the less... rock bottom was hit... a few days ago I tried to end my life via medication overdose... thankfully I realized what a big mistake I had made and threw them back up.... these following few days have been a blur... I dont really know how to feel... or even feel much at all... it's been pretty numbing... I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours each day sense which I'm sure isnt helping anything... I think about the only emotion I can pinpoint now is feeling guilty.... I feel terrible for what I did... I know I scared my sister really bad... I opened up and spoke with 2 friends about what happened... I hope they don't feel they are at fault or blame themselves or anything.... it's not their fault... it's just the endless battle in my head going on... the 2 armies met head on and my army about lost.... I have been just taking things minute by minute hour by hour... just gotta keep on going I guess.... I try to hide my problems from friends... I have so many... it just feels like I'm being a burden on their fun and joyful lives... third wheeling and fifth wheeling and trying not to act like I want to be anywhere else... half the time I just question why they want to even hang around me... the awkward, ugly, stupid, fat girl... the one who can't make friends, does stupid stuff, and doesn't do anything fun..... I try not to let it show around any of them because who wants to be around the weird depressed and anxiety ridden person....  the things we go for our friends I guess....
-You never know what someone hides behind a smile...

And it goes...

Been busy with school.... sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't..... some days it keeps me distracted... things to think about instead of the battle inside my head.... ot hgv er days it's the problem.... too much on my plate at once... one mistake can feel like the end of the world... one stupid little thing can keep me awake for hours and hours... sometimes even all night long.... then theres being alone... I dont make friends easily... and theres even fewer that I actually know... ask me for a phone number of a classmate... I have 4.... including my sister... I listen and pay attention to what others say... I try to get to know people, but nobody takes the effort to even try to know me.... I can be sitting in a room with 20 people but still be alone.... or evening's like this one... I went to work then to class.... came home to an empty appartment again.... it's not my sisters fault shes busy or any of my few friends faults but that doesn't make being alone all the time suck any less... in a world so populated with people how is it possible to be this lonely.....

Today was a good day...

Today was a good day... my cold is not so bad and my throat not as sore, I took my meds on time... got to go to an event to celebrate something great for the college, got some lovely kisses and cuddles from a llama, went and got my books from the boom store, turned in my 1 homework assignment, got my student ID card for the year, and had a fun time walking around town with friends... I enjoy days like this... it gives me hope on the days that suck and the days where all I want to do is hide from the world and do anything but... working towards more days like these...

First day...

Today was the first day of Sophomore year of college... it was an okay day... I went to class... all we did in each class was go over the syllabus... easy enough.... by lunch I could feel a migraine coming on... I was able to get it mostly under control with my meds... It was still rough because I couldn't take my emergency meds cause I needed to drive out for a short meeting... it was nice seeing familiar faces here and there... after that was done I headed home and that's where I have been sense... I also think part of my headache is me getting a cold... my throat is a bit red and sore but not too bad... my sister had class and cheer practice all night and then went out to eat with the other cheerleaders... so I stayed home and cleaned some.... solved my rubix cube a few times... other than that it's been a pretty quiet night.... it sucks because the quiet nights are the ones that always end up being the worst it seems... well I guess that's it for now...

What my friends don't know....

It's just normal for me now to put on a show... especially nights like these where I'm supposed to be having all sorts of fun... a block party with good... no great music... but my friends don't know that I don't want to dance or sing.... they don't know that I would rather be at home trying to sleep just to escape the stupid thoughts in my head... or that my knees are killing me from the dancing and games were playing.... that I'm hoping something will happen like someone spilling their drink on me so I can go home...... My friends don't know that it's mostly an act... that I pretend to be happy to make them happy... that I went to the bathroom not because I actually needed to go... but because I just needed a mental break to keep from freaking out..... I try to make my life seem as normal as any other person my age... what people call my "resting bitch face" is really just me thinking about being anywhere else.... My friends don't know that I really LOATHE being in the spotlight.... that it took a lot of courage to get out and dance with people... that I got up to be at the front of the group picture.... something that can be so simple or come so easily to others is inhibited by my anxiety..... my friends don't know that I constantly worry.... not just about me but about them as well.... worry about things that I shouldn't have to... worry maybe somebody has a gun or bomb at the concert, worry I'm going to roll an ankle... worrying my friend will go low or high on blood sugar... worrying a migraine or anxiety attack will strike any minute..... My friends don't know that I really freaked out on the inside when the strange lady came up and put her hand on my shoulder, or that I hate being touched by strangers at all
...

My friends don't know how much I hide from them... someday I just hope I won't have to hide anything...

Nights like these....

It's nights like last night and tonight.... where I lay down to bed completely fine... then start shaking... can't hold still.... chest so tight it hurts.... but I can't do anything.... just lay here and hope it goes away soon... curse my brains out and hope I dont wake anybody. Nights like these are long.... nights that turn into mornings... not sleeping until 3 or 4 am after spending an exhausting night trying to shut down your mind and escape for just a little while... escape the problems.... friends, school, work, anxiety, depression, health problems.... just escape all of it... its nights like these that I sometimes think about being tired of just being where I am in life... I just try my hardest to shut down for a few hours... just enough to make the next day bearable....

-You never know what somebody is hiding behind a smile...