What my friends don't know....

It's just normal for me now to put on a show... especially nights like these where I'm supposed to be having all sorts of fun... a block party with good... no great music... but my friends don't know that I don't want to dance or sing.... they don't know that I would rather be at home trying to sleep just to escape the stupid thoughts in my head... or that my knees are killing me from the dancing and games were playing.... that I'm hoping something will happen like someone spilling their drink on me so I can go home...... My friends don't know that it's mostly an act... that I pretend to be happy to make them happy... that I went to the bathroom not because I actually needed to go... but because I just needed a mental break to keep from freaking out..... I try to make my life seem as normal as any other person my age... what people call my "resting bitch face" is really just me thinking about being anywhere else.... My friends don't know that I really LOATHE being in the spotlight.... that it took a lot of courage to get out and dance with people... that I got up to be at the front of the group picture.... something that can be so simple or come so easily to others is inhibited by my anxiety..... my friends don't know that I constantly worry.... not just about me but about them as well.... worry about things that I shouldn't have to... worry maybe somebody has a gun or bomb at the concert, worry I'm going to roll an ankle... worrying my friend will go low or high on blood sugar... worrying a migraine or anxiety attack will strike any minute..... My friends don't know that I really freaked out on the inside when the strange lady came up and put her hand on my shoulder, or that I hate being touched by strangers at all
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My friends don't know how much I hide from them... someday I just hope I won't have to hide anything...