You find out who your friends are...

Our house burned down, granted I live in my apartment at college, but that still doesnt mean it isnt a big blow. My mom and step dad and brother lost everything, my sister and brother and I lost a lot as well.... you dont realize what home means until it's gone... for example the flags nick flew over Kuwait for us kids gone, my 3 dead horses and dogs collars.. gone.... all of my baby pictures are gone, graduation cards, all of my elementary school projects, my clarinet, my diploma and cap and gown, all my childhood books and bible, prom dresses and many souvenir shirts, all the mothers and fathers day gifts and family treasures, class rings and wedding rings, and all the small things you take for granted gone in a flash... on top of everything else that has happened... and getting the news your cousin went from having almost a year to live to a few days if hes lucky.... 3 of our 5 dogs are still missing, nick got them out of the house at one point, but we are unsure if they ran back inside or not. We have spent many hours driving around looking for these past few days and there has been no sightings of them from anyone... as days pass it is looking more and more likely that they died in the fire. I just wish things could be semi normal... go out and eat with friends or do something that seems normal... not take a dog everywhere with me, drive around buying food because I cant just stop home and grab a snack or make a meal.... there is a fundraiser coming up and it's really disappointing to hear none of my "friends" will be coming... only one really has a very valad excuse in my eyes because they are having knee surgery that afternoon and they said depending on how they feel they may be able to make it even.... people take things for granted so much... I can no longer go home to my family's house... all the things that held important memories are gone, I cant drive around within 10 miles of home without starting out into fields looking for dogs hoping that they didnt die a terrifying painful death in that fire.... I cant look at our house or I guess its what's left of our house.... a bunch of burned wood and metal... I cant look at it without thinking about how easily nick could have been taking a nap or something upstairs and having ended up dead...... I guess that's why they call it a tragedy....

Rock bottom....

Well I guess I finally went off the deep end... only for a short few moments but none the less... rock bottom was hit... a few days ago I tried to end my life via medication overdose... thankfully I realized what a big mistake I had made and threw them back up.... these following few days have been a blur... I dont really know how to feel... or even feel much at all... it's been pretty numbing... I haven't slept more than 2-3 hours each day sense which I'm sure isnt helping anything... I think about the only emotion I can pinpoint now is feeling guilty.... I feel terrible for what I did... I know I scared my sister really bad... I opened up and spoke with 2 friends about what happened... I hope they don't feel they are at fault or blame themselves or anything.... it's not their fault... it's just the endless battle in my head going on... the 2 armies met head on and my army about lost.... I have been just taking things minute by minute hour by hour... just gotta keep on going I guess.... I try to hide my problems from friends... I have so many... it just feels like I'm being a burden on their fun and joyful lives... third wheeling and fifth wheeling and trying not to act like I want to be anywhere else... half the time I just question why they want to even hang around me... the awkward, ugly, stupid, fat girl... the one who can't make friends, does stupid stuff, and doesn't do anything fun..... I try not to let it show around any of them because who wants to be around the weird depressed and anxiety ridden person....  the things we go for our friends I guess....
-You never know what someone hides behind a smile...

And it goes...

Been busy with school.... sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't..... some days it keeps me distracted... things to think about instead of the battle inside my head.... ot hgv er days it's the problem.... too much on my plate at once... one mistake can feel like the end of the world... one stupid little thing can keep me awake for hours and hours... sometimes even all night long.... then theres being alone... I dont make friends easily... and theres even fewer that I actually know... ask me for a phone number of a classmate... I have 4.... including my sister... I listen and pay attention to what others say... I try to get to know people, but nobody takes the effort to even try to know me.... I can be sitting in a room with 20 people but still be alone.... or evening's like this one... I went to work then to class.... came home to an empty appartment again.... it's not my sisters fault shes busy or any of my few friends faults but that doesn't make being alone all the time suck any less... in a world so populated with people how is it possible to be this lonely.....

Today was a good day...

Today was a good day... my cold is not so bad and my throat not as sore, I took my meds on time... got to go to an event to celebrate something great for the college, got some lovely kisses and cuddles from a llama, went and got my books from the boom store, turned in my 1 homework assignment, got my student ID card for the year, and had a fun time walking around town with friends... I enjoy days like this... it gives me hope on the days that suck and the days where all I want to do is hide from the world and do anything but... working towards more days like these...

First day...

Today was the first day of Sophomore year of college... it was an okay day... I went to class... all we did in each class was go over the syllabus... easy enough.... by lunch I could feel a migraine coming on... I was able to get it mostly under control with my meds... It was still rough because I couldn't take my emergency meds cause I needed to drive out for a short meeting... it was nice seeing familiar faces here and there... after that was done I headed home and that's where I have been sense... I also think part of my headache is me getting a cold... my throat is a bit red and sore but not too bad... my sister had class and cheer practice all night and then went out to eat with the other cheerleaders... so I stayed home and cleaned some.... solved my rubix cube a few times... other than that it's been a pretty quiet night.... it sucks because the quiet nights are the ones that always end up being the worst it seems... well I guess that's it for now...

What my friends don't know....

It's just normal for me now to put on a show... especially nights like these where I'm supposed to be having all sorts of fun... a block party with good... no great music... but my friends don't know that I don't want to dance or sing.... they don't know that I would rather be at home trying to sleep just to escape the stupid thoughts in my head... or that my knees are killing me from the dancing and games were playing.... that I'm hoping something will happen like someone spilling their drink on me so I can go home...... My friends don't know that it's mostly an act... that I pretend to be happy to make them happy... that I went to the bathroom not because I actually needed to go... but because I just needed a mental break to keep from freaking out..... I try to make my life seem as normal as any other person my age... what people call my "resting bitch face" is really just me thinking about being anywhere else.... My friends don't know that I really LOATHE being in the spotlight.... that it took a lot of courage to get out and dance with people... that I got up to be at the front of the group picture.... something that can be so simple or come so easily to others is inhibited by my anxiety..... my friends don't know that I constantly worry.... not just about me but about them as well.... worry about things that I shouldn't have to... worry maybe somebody has a gun or bomb at the concert, worry I'm going to roll an ankle... worrying my friend will go low or high on blood sugar... worrying a migraine or anxiety attack will strike any minute..... My friends don't know that I really freaked out on the inside when the strange lady came up and put her hand on my shoulder, or that I hate being touched by strangers at all
...

My friends don't know how much I hide from them... someday I just hope I won't have to hide anything...

Nights like these....

It's nights like last night and tonight.... where I lay down to bed completely fine... then start shaking... can't hold still.... chest so tight it hurts.... but I can't do anything.... just lay here and hope it goes away soon... curse my brains out and hope I dont wake anybody. Nights like these are long.... nights that turn into mornings... not sleeping until 3 or 4 am after spending an exhausting night trying to shut down your mind and escape for just a little while... escape the problems.... friends, school, work, anxiety, depression, health problems.... just escape all of it... its nights like these that I sometimes think about being tired of just being where I am in life... I just try my hardest to shut down for a few hours... just enough to make the next day bearable....

-You never know what somebody is hiding behind a smile...

Small steps

Sense the anxiety attack I had while riding with my friend and sister in the car I have been very on edge while driving... the first time I drove after the first attack I had another panic attack and had to pull over and switch drivers again and then on my last 2 hour stretch to get home I had to stop 3 times to keep calm enough to drive.  Today was a small success for me... just faced it head on and drove around for 2 hours myself and didnt have to pull over to calm down. Just gotta take it one step and one day at a time...

About me and this Blog...

     Welcome to my first blog post! If your here you may or may not know me in real life, but this is just a way for me to think out loud per say and maybe spread some awareness for those out there who have similar issues to mine, or even completly different issues altogether. Most of what I write about on here will be related to those who have hidden illnesses or problems... something that most people wouldn't know if they saw them walking down the street or at school or work. Thing hidden by happy faces and seemingly genuine smiles.
     So a little bit to know about me. I am currently studying Animal Science/Ag transfer at a community college, I really enjoy working with animals and its something I would love to do for the rest of my life. Dealing with some of my health issues both mental and physical makes some days harder than others to get up and get out of bed and do those things however. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have are amazing and supportive. They may not know all of my problems but that's okay. I do tend to keep quiet to my friends and family for the most part about my issues to keep them from worrying but that is a different topic....
     So one of the first things I was really diagnosed with is a physical issue, it came to fruition when I was still in elementary school. It is called Osteocondritis dissecans, OCD for short but not Obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD is caused by lack of blood flow to the cartilage and bone in a joint, for me this in in my knees. Here is the Mayo Clinic deffintion for ya... "Osteochondritis dissecans (os-tee-o-kon-DRY-tis DIS-uh-kanz) is a joint condition in which bone underneath the cartilage of a joint dies due to lack of blood flow. This bone and cartilage can then break loose, causing pain and possibly hinder joint motion." It took the doctors a little while to diagnose this condition when I was younger. There were many X-rays, CT scan, Bone scan, MRI, to eventually figure it out. We were told we could wait until I was old enough and done growing to have surgery done to help fix it but that never happened. Over the years I have just gotten used to having crummy knees that hurt when walking a lot. Sometimes they are worse than others but they hurt most days but its just something to put up with. They grind and catch and pop constantly (a funny thing to gross my sister out is laying in bed and lifting my leg up and back down it pops super loud and she hates it, or if her hand is resting on my knee I can straighten and bend my leg and she gets grossed out because you can feel the pieces of bone/cartilage grinding from the outside of my knee). I usually take tylonol or a mild pain reliever when it gets hurting real good, but It is something I just deal with on a day to day basis that most people wouldn't know by looking at me.
     The next thing about me is that I have what is called Hashimotos disease. This is an autoimmune disorder that causes my body to attack my thyroid (controls hormones), Mayo Clinics description
"Hashimoto's disease is a condition in which your immune system attacks your thyroid, a small gland at the base of your neck below your Adam's apple. The thyroid gland is part of your endocrine system, which produces hormones that coordinate many of your body's functions."   this has many side effects to it including the symptoms I have experienced, fatigue, sensitivity to cold, muscle aches and many others and long term if not treated can lead to issues like heart failure and birth defects. Thankfully this is pretty simple to treat, I just have to go in and have my blood checked every once and awhile to make sure my meds are at the right dosage and take my meds each morning.
     Next up is my NDPH/Chronic Migraines, this is probably one that most people who know me are most framiliar with because it has the most visible of symptoms in the fact that I often missed work/school due to it when I first started having them. Most people can relate to having a migraine or a bad headache, but what most people don't understand about NDPH (New daily persistant headeache) is that the headache doesn't stop... its always there... over this past year and a half I have come to ignore it for the most part but still have bad days now and again. I can tell you the exact day it started, January 20th 2017. I was at a friends wedding when I got a horrible headache, to the point that I stopped driving and sat their in my truck crying until my mom and nick came and got me and drove me home... the symptoms kept coming... the first few months were not fun.. in and out of doctors and hospitals trying to figure out what was going on... trying all sorts of meds... my symptoms were all over the place... lots of nausia and puking as well as shakiness and tremors and dizzyness... then there were side affects of the meds they kept trying... more puking and stomach pain from the meds tearing up my stomach and me not eating (lost almost 20 lbs in about 3 weeks from not eating) and even memory issues as a side affect from 1 med.... I missed 34 days of my last semester of senior year. That summer my appointment at Mayo Clinic finally came where we got the right combo of meds (4 different meds) to be able to keep them under control and help with the pain and such when they get really bad.
    Lastly is my mental health struggle... this is honestly the hardest one for me to talk about. I can put up pretty well with physical pain and have a very high pain tolerance, but this however is the hardest for me. This past spring I finally hit a breaking point after moving out and living alone and just seeming like nothing would go right I finally admitted to my family and friends that I was really struggling, went to the drs and got on some meds to help. I still struggle but that's what friends and family are for. I realized recently that most people don't know a lot about things like anxiety and panic attacks. This happened recently after I had a anxiety attack while driving with a friend. It scared them as they didn't really know what was happening. Theres not always a lot you can do to help someone but knowing what is happening can be a help. For example making sure they are somewhere safe (for the most recent situation getting me out of the driver seat of the car) and asking if you can do anything are usually the best bet. Everybody is a bit different during anxiety attacks, some get them randomly and some are triggered by certain situations or events. I have had both happen. Knowing the signs of one can help you help your friends if they are comfortable talking about it. For example I get really warm and start shaking right before I get one. I sometimes clench my hand down on things without noticing I am doing it which can be a problem depending on what I grab... sometimes its my hand, a blanket or pillow, or sometimes I get a hold of my forearm... watch for these kind of things or other things that may be hurting or harming them... it can make for an awkward situation trying to explain these things if a person isn't comfortable talking about it.. most people can't just blame random bruising on their jobs like I can, keeping an eye on your friends during an attack can help prevent things like that sometimes. Just know that they will eventually come out of it... it can be scary if you have never seen it before and its hard for the person who is having the attack to explain whats going on because most of the time they can't tell you themselves. Helping someone after an attack can vary... they can really wear someone out and sometimes people want to be left alone, again its mostly preference, just ask them if they you can get them anything or do anything to help them. Theres a lot of stigma around  mental health issues and me not wanting to talk about them can really contribute to that stigma. So that's part of what this is about and just getting the word out there about what I go through as well as being a way for me to help handle it myself just by talking about it. I know my friends are all great and support me either way but sometimes its just good to be able to talk out loud not caring about who will hear you sense most people who decide to read this will most likely be strangers... keep an eye on your friends and let them know your there to help no matter what, don't be so quick to judge people because you never know what all they are hiding behind their smiles....